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laugh

illustration by R. Daniel Proctor
THE KNOXONOMIST

Dear Knoxonomist,

With the passage of the Affordable

Care Act—or, as we like to call it,

“What Hillary and Michelle Told

Me to Do”—I was wondering if
other kinds of insurance would soon

be receiving the same treatment.

If it works for health insurance,

do you think the feds will extend

the same sorts of provisions to

home, life, and auto? I already
had my identity stolen through

HealthCare.gov, so I’m anxious to

know how similar you think these

new “affordable acts” might be.

Once Burned

—Marble City

Dear Burn Victim,
The Knoxonomist can think of nearly oil changes twice a year, such services

a dozen parties who would certainly will now be covered under our govern-
You’re quite astute—and moreover, have purchased life insurance had ment-sponsored automotive policies.

the Knoxonomist believes that expand- they known what a difference it would What bliss! What freedom from care!
ing government control of all kinds of make in how they were remembered. All we’ll have to worry about will be

insurance is a fantastic Idea. Indeed, Imagine the late-night ads in heaven: the $200 co-pay.
all insurance products should follow “dial 1-888-here-I-AM! Let your Progressive twaddle, you say?

the philosophy and business acumen
family know you still care! buy Life unattainable utopian musings, you
of this marvelous work of legislation. Insurance—in the Afterlife!” What an shout? There is no free lunch—or free

(Eyebrows raised, once burned—and opportunity to regain favorite uncle anything, much less fire, home, or auto
all other who have been scorched.) The status!
insurance? Perhaps it’s time to close it

Knoxonomist himself carries no deficit Pause: for the benefits won’t stop all up—close the federal government!
and is never in debt. (Surely the Knox- there. No! The Knoxonomist has wiped on what grounds? The Knoxonomist

onomist’s readers are in debt—at least away a single glistening tear thinking refers you to Captain Renault. “I’m
to the Knoxonomist!) but I digress. of the poor farmer who couldn’t get shocked, shocked to find that gambling

Think of the fun we can have with fire insurance—all because of his barn’s is going on in here! .Everybody out at
more government-produced websites! pre-existing condition of having been once.” The Knoxonomist must report,

The great Melting Pot will surely melt burned to the ground. Now, this fair- sadly, this may not be the beginning of
the Internet grid! Let’s all remember ness deficit—and all others—will melt a beautiful friendship.

the sucking/clanking/beeping sounds away like the Assyrian in the wrath of
of the 28.8 baud modems!
the Lord. It all seems too good to be the Knoxonomist welcomes your questions—although

Now that we have dismissed pre- true!
he will answer only those that interest him. Send your
existing conditions as a criterion for The Knoxonomist hastens to add inquiries to TheKnoxonomist@cityviewmag.com, and

purchasing insurance, the possibilities auto insurance to the list. Whereas
include your name, address, and daytime phone number.
are endless. for instance, we can begin the current cruel vagaries of the world The Knoxonomist and his secretary are busy, however, and

to sell life insurance to dead people.
force us to shell out $50 dollars for our
regret that we cannot acknowledge receipt of e-mails.

50 cityviewmag.com maRcH aPRiL 2014