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THE KNOXONOMIST
Illustration by R. Daniel Proctor
Dear Knoxonomist:
It’s summertime summertime sum sum summertime!!! It’s time to
head straight for them hills! It’s time to live and have some thrills! Ah—the livin’ is easy!!! Fish are jumpin’!!! Will it be a cruel summer? Will I have summetime blues? I know school’s out for summer—but today I saw a Deadhead sticker on
a Cadillac. This summer: Should I look back? Sometimes I think I can never look back. Please advise: I have on my Wayfarers.
Georgina Gershwin —Knoxville
My dear Georgina,
There are gads of activities to occupy your summer in East Tennessee.
Although water skiing used to be a common summertime activity, now it’s all about wakeboarding. The Knoxono- mist is pleased to note that the engineer- ing capacities that sent men to the moon and back are alive and well—not sending men to Mars but building small water- craft that purposefully produce a colos- sally obnoxious wake. Before we beheld such craft, people waterskied barefoot. Ah—barefoot waterskiing: A sport, once undertaken exclusively in cutoff denim shorts, the objective of which was to take a lake water colonic and yet dodge brain- stem damage. Some succeeded.
Speaking of ways to pass fresh water through your sinus cavities: Do you enjoy whitewater rafting? Here, friends and family alike take guided tours exploring
the natural wonder of live water—all the while everyone is agitated, inflamed, and holding their noses from swamp crotch. A word of advice from the Knoxonomist: If you hand someone money, and they hand you a helmet, you have been fairly warned.
Four-wheel drive vehicles, used for the practice of muddin’, provide many East Tennesseans with their needed summertime recreational fix. Muddin’ is vernacular for heavily modifying a vehicle, going to remote locations, and getting stuck in the mud. Once mud mired, participants use primitive tools to extricate these vehicles—only to go off and get stuck again. Lest we judge, compare this to those who hit a golf ball, lose said ball, find said ball—only to bash the ball to another heavily wooded loca- tion well out of bounds. Perhaps this is golf as you know it. This is not how the Knoxonomist plays it.
With Knoxville’s proximity to the Great Smoky Mountains, hiking and camping are staples of summertime activity. Seeing the mesmerizing syn- chronized fireflies of Elkmont is a well- known insect-themed camping trip. Other East Tennessee insect-focused camping trips include the always fun “Who Can Turn Their Body Into The Largest Chigger Farm” and the popular “How Many Mosquito Bites Does It Take To Pass Out From Blood Loss?” The Knoxonomist admonishes that you not let the kids play if their gums are already white.
Be safe—but if you are not going to be safe, please make a video.
The Knoxonomist welcomes your questions—although he will answer only those that interest him. Send your inquiries to TheKnoxonomist@cityviewmag.com, and include your name, address, and daytime phone.
58 CITYVIEWMAG.COM JULY AUGUST 2015