Crazy Stuff

While bunkered down avoiding the COVID-19 virus and all human contact, I’ve had very little to do but think. Never have I been so isolated and my mind been so impotent. Then, I began to think of all the crazy stuff we have to put up with as we await the next life. I’ve been thinking about all the crazy rules, stupid reasoning, and crazy procedures that consume us. Better we laugh at stupidity than to suffer it.

For example, take our response to the COVID-19 virus. Obviously, we were late in planning and reacting to the threat of the virus. Late with testing products, masks, and ventilators, according to everyone but the White House. How smart was it to ignore the risks and disband the pandemic preparedness efforts of the National Security Council in 2018? By closing down the pandemic preparedness group, we not only lost all meaningful planning for a global virus threat, but we lost most experts working on saving our nation from a killer virus. You can’t shut down the fire department and run off all the firemen just because we haven’t had a big fire lately.

If lack of planning was not crazy enough, the White House tried to convince us the virus was not a real danger, was a political hoax, would disappear in April, and what a great job the President did in response. My favorite philosopher, John Prine, wrote a song about this type of approach: “If you know there will be hell to pay, put the truth on layaway.”

And then there’s my concern about my dog, Maggie. Her vet ordered a medication for her anxiety. Apparently, everyone around me develops some degree of anxiety, and Maggie is no exception. I went to our pharmacy drive-thru on the corner of health and happiness and the charge was $41. I asked the pharmacy lady to put it on my “Express Pay” (supported by my credit card), and she refused, explaining that Maggie would have to open her own account. “But she’s a dog,” I replied. I’m, of course, thinking dogs have no business accounts, no credit cards, no skills (unless you count bringing each visitor a toy animal), and no money. I explained I was Maggie’s only means of support, but the drugstore was definitely requiring her to open her own account. In the end, I paid cash and drove away thinking what a crazy world we live in.

A friend recently told me of a similar experience purchasing cat medication. The pharmacy required the cat’s date of birth.

Speaking of drugs, can someone explain to me why a doctor places me on a pill for life, then orders it for “no refills”? Worse yet, the doctor and his staff ignore both me and the drugstore when we ask for authorization to refill. I face this dilemma every 90 days and usually have to walk into the doctor’s office to demand a refill in person. It reminds me of the guy who threw the beer party and then locked all the bathroom doors.

I read where the Tennessee legislature is again considering making the Bible the official state book. The bill was rejected last year because it is obviously unconstitutional. This year, the bill’s sponsor stated he was not trying to draw attention to the importance of the Bible as the true word of God, but to honor its contribution to the economy of Tennessee. The sponsor argues that the Bible means a “multimillion-dollar industry” to our state. Just more crazy stuff out of our state legislature.

Did you know that when a jury decides in favor of a seriously injured person, the vote of the jury on damages is ignored if too high and the amount of damages is controlled by the state legislature that knows nothing about the case? This bill is brought to you by the same group that codified your right to eat road kill.

We recently moved to a new home that has all the newest high-tech features, including a tankless hot water system. My first shower was cold, and when I complained the plumber advised that the system has to “learn” about your bathing habits. Sure enough, after several tries there is now hot water if I bathe near the time the system expects. However, we have one bath that only produces cold showers no matter when the hot water is turned on. I guess you might say that our tankless system has a learning disability.

Lastly, how stupid is it to be forced to celebrate your birthday alone with your dog? Hold on everybody. Better days are ahead.   

Coronavirus Blues

I’ve got those ole Coronavirus Blues

The only thing I hear is bad news

They say it may not be a living thing

But just a protein molecule turned insane.

I’ve washed my hands until they’re raw

And wear a mask that makes my glasses fog.

Quickly to the store on a shopping caper

Where in the hell is the toilet paper?

These are crazy times and it’s getting old

Now watching Lifetime movies, I’ve stooped so low.

There’s plenty of gas, but they won’t let me go

No work, no income and I’m running out of dough.

I’ve read everything within my reach

Including my old copy of War And Peace.

The sports page has no games to carry

So twice a day I read the obituaries.

No sports, no movies, only time to kill

Am I being prepared for a life in hell?

It’s hard to believe all we took for granted

Wouldn’t a Littonburger or Wright’s fried chicken be enchanted?

When will this all be over, there’s a lot at stake

Our doctors and nurses deserve a break

In the meantime, I may turn to booze

To try to get rid of these ole Coronavirus Blues.

—Bob Pryor

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